Most marriages go through different twists and turns that threaten their stability, and when there are differences between spouses, many need to know how to manage these differences and avoid them turning into permanent conflicts where they start to defend themselves. Or attack the other party.

Both methods fuel conflict and sometimes push spouses to advanced levels of anger. Therefore, choosing rational, balanced behavior is the best way to resolve marital differences even in the most difficult moments, which can be trained and consciously chosen to reduce the intensity of conflicts.

Here, we will try to identify the difference between offensive and defensive behavior and how to eliminate them? How to be rational when angry?

Attack and Defense

Both happen Offensive and defensive behavior A psychological response to conflict situations is two conflicting behaviors. It is important to know what these behaviors are in order to properly handle and respond to them, as the first type is often aimed at attacking others and wanting to assert power, while the other seeks to protect itself from perceived threats or criticism by being avoided. Denial, or rationalization.

The owner of aggressive behavior is often characterized by confidence, aggression and indifference. At the same time, defensive behavior is only a reaction to “attack” and can be seen as a submissive person trying to protect himself from attack in a purely instinctive way.

Don’t rush to defend yourself

It means self-defense Urge to defend yourself When you’re faced with an uncomfortable situation, ask and talk about the real problem instead, says Amy Daramos, clinical psychologist and author of Understanding Bipolar Disorder.

The defensive reaction is sometimes conscious and sometimes unconscious, he says, citing examples of defensive behavior such as making excuses and rationalizing when someone criticizes you. It also happens that someone criticizes you, so to make him feel guilty about you, you remind him of what he did against you.

Another defensive reaction that often occurs is that the other party diligently agrees to what they say about you so that it doesn’t say anything, and it may make promises that you can’t keep in order to avoid a major confrontation.

How do you stop being defensive?

If understood catalysts Self-defense is the first step toward balanced reactions, as this understanding allows you to prepare appropriate responses to stimuli, observe your reactions, and observe your physical sensations, such as tension in the limbs or sweating. Physiological responses help to slow down the reaction and choose the best response.

So, try naming your feelings, even if it’s just between you and yourself, this method creates emotional awareness that prompts you to think and manage yourself better. You should show the support, self-compassion and care you would show a friend or loved one, and recognize that we are all imperfect and make mistakes from time to time. Self-compassion helps you move into a state of self-forgiveness and acceptance.

Assault and psychological aggression

Aggressive behavior It uses power and psychological aggression to influence a person, its owner refuses to submit to anyone, and it often occurs with the aim of achieving a specific goal.

The owner of hurtful behavior is characterized by indifference to the feelings of others and a desire to control, albeit in an unconscious state.

In contrast to defensive behavior, which is subtle or visible, “offensive” behavior is clear, visible, and subtle.

Assertiveness and aggressiveness are not the same thing

known Psychologists Assault is also defined as intentionally directed behavior that causes pain, harm and fear, and can be not only physical, but also verbal and psychological, and in essence consists of a form of threat and disrespect. As for assertiveness, it’s honesty about your ideas, feelings, beliefs, and decisions. Here, the assertive person is not abusive or manipulative.

There are examples of groups of behaviors developed by psychologists that distinguish between an assertive personality and an offensive personality to help you determine whether you are an assertive person or characterized by hurtful behavior.

We see that assertive people prioritize achieving their goals and protecting their values ​​and rights, but at the same time they respect the beliefs, values ​​and rights of others, and they seek alternative perspectives on various issues.

Realizing that a loud voice can cause misunderstandings between themselves and others, assertive people speak in a quiet voice. There is also a gentleness and calmness in their body language and eye contact.

Although people with hurtful behavior show menace and sarcasm in their behavior, body language, and speech, they are unable to appreciate the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of others. Their first desire, always, is to assert their dominance and control, and their presence is often uncomfortable for the other party.

Balanced behavior is not limited to marital relationship, but balanced behavior is effective in improving all relationships because no one wants to defend himself in front of someone who is always criticizing or condemning him. Also, constant assault drains personal energy unconsciously.

Finally, the relationship between spouses is considered one of the most difficult relationships, because after many years of marriage, the importance of the marital relationship decreases for them, and they stop making efforts to make it successful, and vices and shortcomings are a thing given in the relationship, which further weakens it and threatens its essence and meaning.