"I can make it better." Why is this sentence the worst relationship tactic?

“Even though he has many faults, I will marry him. I cannot correct these faults or change them to suit them, but I will marry him in the hope that I can correct him.”

You may have already heard this phrase from one of your acquaintances, or you may have said it yourself, because this phrase is the main bet that some young men and women make, and they decide to get married and start a family. With a party they don’t fully agree with, they can’t deal with its flaws, which makes us wonder: Can we really change the nature of our allies and friends? Before: Can People Change First? (1)

Change is possible

It is important that one has the willpower and determination to sustain the change procedures. (Shutterstock)

Well, the latter is the main and initial question: Can one allow one to become familiar with behaviors and habits, and replace them with other behaviors and habits? Here’s the answer: mostly yes, but not as easy as you might think. We may try to change certain habits or behaviors, even certain aspects of personality may change over time, and it takes “desire” and “dedicated effort” to achieve this change.

Each of our personalities is shaped by a dynamic relationship between our dispositions, our dispositions, and our environments, and change is often complex, and it doesn’t always happen as we think. For example, you won’t find yourself gaining weight, maintaining healthy eating habits, exercising regularly, or losing as much weight in one month as you planned. Change is the sustained reinforcement of new behaviors or ways of thinking.

Changing a person’s characteristics or how he behaves is possible through the individual’s self-awareness and a deeper understanding of his habits, behaviors, personal characteristics, and the situations he is exposed to and their impact. Apart from that, the person must be characterized by the willpower and determination required to persevere in the practices of change. Mainly includes both heredity and nature of surrounding environment.

Studies indicate that most of our personality traits and characteristics are primarily caused by genetics. According to the results of these studies, our psychological characteristics reflect the physical structures of our brains, and our genes contribute to the formation of those physical structures. (3) Although the environment may shape the way we think about the environment, many researchers now consider genetics to be more important than environment. This theory leads to the conclusion that people born with certain biological factors tend to follow certain social patterns.

This does not mean that our genes will inevitably always control our nature and behavior. There is still hope that society and environment can reshape behavior and break habits, creating hope for “change.” Reviews of nearly 200 studies have found that by taking the right steps, people can change major undesirable aspects of their personality. (4)

Not easy

Change happens gradually, setbacks are inevitable. Change is not easy. (Shutterstock)

The biggest problem is that the way to change nature and habits is not a bed of roses. Megan Cole, director of Utah Hospital’s Center for Resilience, explains that the process of change is complex because a person must break existing habits while simultaneously adopting and reinforcing new behaviors, which may be unfamiliar to them. . It takes more time to get used to these routines than people usually like. For example, Megan explains that something as simple as drinking a glass of water a day can take an average of two months. (5)

Now you can imagine how difficult it is to make a change even if a person is interested and willing. In the late seventies, a group of researchers studying methods to help people quit smoking noticed that there are semi-static stages that people go through in order to change a behavior. These stages tell us that the process of change is gradual and setbacks are inevitable. (6)

The first stage of change is the pre-contemplation stage, when people are not thinking about change in the first place. Researchers describe people as in denial at this stage, and claim that their behavior is not problematic and does not have negative consequences. Perhaps this denial is because people have little information about the consequences of their actions. At this stage, people may become resigned to their status quo and believe that they have no control over their behavior. (7)

The second stage of transformation is the meditative stage. Here, people realize that their behavior may be problematic and they are more aware that change may be a good thing and that it may bring them some benefits or advantages. On the other hand, the cost, effort and difficulty of change rears its head, which can create a conflict situation resulting in strong conflict about the change. The person here likes change and doesn’t like it at the same time. . This state can last for months or even years, but what’s worse is that many people never get out of the meditative state, they get stuck in it endlessly and never achieve transformation.

It’s helpful to know that setbacks are common and part of the process of making any life change. (Shutterstock)

If you pass the meditative stage, you will move on to the third stage, which is the “preparation” stage. At this stage, people are ready to take action on the change within the next 30 days. At this point there may be some small changes that will help you be better prepared to make a big change in your life. The fourth stage of change is the stage of direct action to achieve the goal. Here, people can start taking direct action to achieve their goals.

If you’ve tried to lose weight before, you’ll understand more about the next phase of change. During the weight loss process, after you reach your desired ideal weight, your trainer or doctor will tell you to start a “weight stabilization” phase. , this is the stage where you maintain the weight you have achieved and avoid relapse. This is the “stabilization” stage. This is the fifth stage of transformation. During this stage, the person must avoid previous behaviors, maintain the newly acquired new behaviors, and avoid any temptation that might lead the person back to the old behavior. A person should reward himself if he can successfully avoid rebirth.

But what if there is a relapse? Here, the decision is solely in the hands of the person who wants to change, either he surrenders and sinks into old habits and sacrifices the time and effort spent during the transition from the beginning, or he chooses not to give up. He tells himself that what happened was a simple rebirth. Here it is helpful to know that setbacks are common and part of the process of making any life change.

Relapses are so common that some place them as the sixth and final stage of any change, instead of the “decision” stage included in the model put forward by researchers in the 1970s, when people return to their old unhealthy behaviors and become determined. They won’t come back. But because this is so rare and never achieved, people tend to stay in the stabilization phase, and this phase is often not considered (8).

The “I can fix it” myth

Before someone can make a permanent change in a behavior or a certain key trait of their personality, they must first make those changes. (Shutterstock)

Now, you might be asking the question: Why is “I can fix it” a myth? Simply put, before someone can make a permanent change in their behavior or change a certain key trait of their personality, they must first make those changes themselves. You can certainly offer encouragement and support or be a role model for positive change, but you can’t control anyone else’s “will” or “action” anyway.

It is not limited to character, but it extends to views and attitudes towards life issues such as work, family and others. For a person to change his attitude towards anything, he must first examine the root cause of his present attitude. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines an attitude as “a relatively stable evaluation of an object, person, group, problem, or concept on a scale ranging from negative to positive.” (9) It is true that the situation is not a stable thing, but it can only be changed if he understands how this attitude is formed and how it affects his life, he wants to change this situation.

A situation may be related to emotional pain or past traumatic experiences, and the person may not be aware of it. For example, living with a trauma can lead to a defensive attitude, which can affect how a person responds to certain challenges. Here, changing the situation can be very difficult. For example, if your partner suffered from his mother’s work as a child, whether this suffering was represented in the feeling of missing him or he was alone at home for a long time and faced feelings of fear, anxiety and loneliness that he did not know how to manage from a young age, then his attitude towards work is based on the woman’s fear and loneliness here. To change this, he must go through a long conflict with his motives and fears, exploring alternatives, a conflict where no one can fight on his behalf. (10)

The same rule applies to practices like smoking, for example. Most people know that smoking is a bad habit, but in some cases, smoking is a coping mechanism or coping tool to help deal with mental disorders. To stop this habit the “desires” must change. . Note here that the main factor in bringing about change is the will of the person.

Sometimes, we want to make deep or fundamental changes in the people we love. We want to change what the American philosopher and psychologist William James described as “the usual center of their personal energy.” James explains that the typical focus of personal energy is that each of us has certain central interests, commitments, principles, or organizing ways that guide our behaviors and thoughts. This condition cannot be changed by another, no matter how hard he tries, it is inevitable that this change will ultimately come from the person concerned himself. (11)

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